A Mother’s Anguish

There is no pain quite like the pain a mother experiences when her child is suffering and there is nothing she can do about it. It is a great ache and the heaviest cross.

My darling boy, I’m sorry you didn’t get any cuddles for days and days after birth. I’m sorry that after they cut open your chest at 4 months, had drains coming out of your tiny stomach and so many other lines in your body that I couldn’t pick you up to comfort you when you cried for 7 long days.

I’m so sorry that they pin you down while you scream every day to try and draw blood from your tiny veins, trying and failing over and over again until they can finally get it. 

I’m sorry you have been pumped with so many drugs that your kidneys went into failure.

I’m sorry you had to vomit, sweat and shake like a drug addict whilst you withdrew from the high dosage of sedative and morphine they had you on and there was nothing I could do to help you. 

I’m so sorry that your own mother has to shove tubes into your nose 3 times a day so that you can be tube fed straight into your stomach because you aren’t able to feed or experience the comfort of sucking on your mothers breast.  

I’m sorry you’ve spent 3 of your short 5 months living this life of trauma in a sterile hospital room in a cold metal cot with only a white ceiling to stare at.

I’m sorry for all the awful, invasive procedures they continue to put you through constantly. Mostly, I’m so so sorry I couldn’t be the mum you need to take away all of your suffering. I’m sorry I could only sit and watch close by helplessly with tears in my eyes.

But this pain you are going through has only made me love you more. It has made me truly value the little cheeky boy you are who is usually full of smiles and chats all day. It has ensured that I don’t take your life for granted… I realise now how lucky I was to have you in the first place.

I promise when that day comes we can take you home for good, I will make up for all that you have endured. I promise to cuddle and hold you more than ever. I promise to be more gentle with you than I normally would. I promise to care for you through every kiddie illness you have with such love and tenderness for the rest of your life. I promise you that all these things you are currently living will be worth it because they have given you life – and we promise we will give you the best life we are capable of. 

You will be greatly loved and cherished. You will be treated with utmost kindness and care. You will be valued and respected. You will be resilient. You will be our son…happy, strong, independent and clever. All the good will be so great it will overtake the bad a thousand times over.

I promise to continue to give you a life worth living